The truth about what your child really struggles with

I wanna talk today about something really really important:  Why your child is actually struggling with the thing that they're struggling with.

It doesn't matter if it's anxiety. It doesn't matter if it's confidence, social interactions, perfectionism, people pleasing, fidgeting in their seats, anything.

I'm not gonna blanket everybody.

I'm not gonna say there's no exceptions. 

However, kids reflect what they see. There's no real easy way to put this, but they can't help it.

They reflect what they see and they are mimicking the world around them because the world around them is guiding them into what is appropriate or not. They have their child-level responses.

Most often, what society is labeling as "problems"...

(Side-tangent: Which I don't really think are problems. I believe every child is unique. I believe "perceived problems" are actually gifts. Gifts that our children have that that our society doesn't understand, and therefore fears. So they put the labels on them and put them in a box and it keeps them from wow-ing the world with their gifts and talents. It is a gift in some way, or they wouldn't be this way.) 

So whatever issues your child is dealing with, whatever struggles they're having, it comes from a learned behavior. And what most people don't wanna hear is that this learned behavior mostly comes from the parents. It just does.

Now, usually they're also in school, right? They spend a lot of time at school.

Your kid's in daycare or your kid's in school all day and after care, and so it's easy to point the blame at the system that is (truly) failing your child.

However, ultimately YOU are the safe space.

You are the one that they idolize.

You are the one that they watch and they copy, and they wanna be just like you, and they wanna do everything like you, and and they wanna wear your clothes and help you and do the things that you're doing, and be like you right?

So they're watching you.

They're listening. Even when you don't think they're listening, they're listening.

If they have a lack of confidence, perfectionist tendencies, uncomfortable in social settings, disruptive, or whatever it is that your child is dealing with, they have learned by watching you.

This is a hard concept and I don't expect everybody to get it right away.

But once you can own this, everything changes so much faster and so much easier for your child.

 

That's not an easy pill to swallow - taking full responsibility never is - so let me compare this to something else:

About a decade ago, my husband and I were in some really intense marriage counseling. It was a mess. It was bad. We were done with each other, and so we went to this last chance weekend of crisis counseling. 

I could not stand this counseling. I hated it.

Do you know why?

It's because they didn't allow us to point at the other person. The only thing that you were allowed to do and the only questions that you were allowed to answer were the ones that had to do with YOU. Your part, your responsibility, your piece, your contribution, your actions, your behavior.

Because we can only control ourselves. We can only change ourselves.

I know you're not blaming your child and no one is blaming you as the parent, because everyone is doing their best and if you're still reading, you're already trying to help them.

So bravo to you and kudos!

I'm serious when I say that, because not everyone does this. If you have kids and you're trying to just get them to be good humans, that's hard work!

And there's no manual. And I know, without a doubt that you are doing your damndest to make that happen, right? And to make it happen well.

We're gonna make mistakes and it's not gonna be perfect.

Know that I know that about you when I say this.

Yes, there are strategies to help your child, without a doubt. There's strategies to help them with confidence, perfectionism, social situations, anxiety and so on.

There's strategies I have that I can help you with to help them get over that stuff.

Watch my livestreams, join the group, read the blog... there's tons of stuff there. There's already a lot of tools available to you that you can go learn about today.

That's all well and good, important stuff. Not useless by a mile, but the REAL change and the REAL power and the lasting, lifelong feelings of your child are going to come from you.

Self-reflection is not easy, and sometimes this is painful.

I've been on this journey for a very long time. It is not roses and rainbows and candy.

It's tough work, but when we can look at ourselves and we can see our part that is influencing our child, it is so much more powerful to change ourselves.

Because we are the source of of what they're learning (whether we like it or not) and everything they're doing is a response, reaction and learned behavior from the parent.

I say this because I know...because I'm living it.

My child is only a perfectionist (recovering) because he watched me do it from the day that he was born. That's on me. Mostly.

The current school system doesn't help (they often make it worse), but we can't point fingers and wait for change, and think we're off the hook here. 

My child is immersed with me. He's in my home. I spend more time with him probably than anybody. So you see what I'm getting at?

One - you're not alone and
Two - this is solvable.

This can be changed. You don't need to feel guilty about this idea. I did for a long time, but it's not necessary.

I have the tools to help you do this.

So, if you are someone that is ready and thinking, "okay I'm going to look at myself, tell me what I'm doing. How can I change? Let's shine a light on this," then I'm here for you. 

If you are brave enough to go there (and not everybody is) then I can help.

 

I've opened up one-on-one calls for a limited time.

What I really wanna do with you is make some headway on this.

You get: 

  • Focused questions to dig up what's going on under the surface with your child.
  • A truck load of very specific tools that you can use in your situation, catered to your child's exact needs. How to talk to them, how to teach it to them, what to say. All available to implement immediately.
  • Discover why your child is struggling the way he or she is and an action plan to give them what they need right away. 
  • Results right away when you implement

 

Kids don't have a hard time on purpose. They don't decide to be obnoxious, embrace anxiety, or  even choose to be bullies ON PURPOSE.

We weren't born this way. We were born open, trusting, lovable, and smiling, so that means there's always an underlying cause to behavior, including your own.

When you were a kid, and you acted a certain way, there was a reason. Maybe you felt unsafe, like you didn't see your parents enough, maybe they didn't understand, or they were just lousy, you got picked on a school, or you just 'knew' something was wrong but you didn't know what or why.

That's what I wanna uncover, because when you know what that is, you can solve it at the root.

If that sounds like something that would help you, email me, message me, comment below, whatever it is that you need to do to get in touch with me to make this happen for your child and for your family.

60 minute call - $97
90 minute call- $147

You can solve this right now before school starts. Before the next year goes by. Before you get busy with all the back to school activities.

If you have questions, please let me know.

I'm here to help you. I'm here to help you work through this. 

Ready? ---> erin@erinkmonaghan.com

Child Struggling