July 16, 2019

Why my miscarriage was a huge gift

FILED IN: Design, Mindset, Purpose

See the smile in this photo?
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It’s totally fake.
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I’m skinny and made up like a movie star, but inside I’m miserable.
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I lost 3 babies in 5 years. These photos were taken after my biggest miscarriage.
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I slugged a couple airplane bottles of vodka that day to actually look happy.
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All the weight I lost was a desperate attempt to control what I couldn’t.
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It’s one of those events in life that’s different for each person, and as someone who’s been self-described as “not really liking kids,” it surprised me how devastated I was.
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At the moment, and the thousands of moments afterward, I can only describe that period of grief as all-consuming and a dark place that became home.
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I was deeply depressed, knew it, and didn’t care.
It was where I needed to live for a while.
And eventually, as we all do, I came out of it.
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But it was the time inside the grief, dealing with everyone around me who didn’t understand, who didn’t want to be around me, who were uncomfortable that I was “still sad” and who wanted me to move on and get over it…
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–> that I learned to love and honor myself for the first time ever.
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(I was 33 years old.)
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Growing up, I learned to put my feelings last.
I ignored myself over and over again to please other people.
I shut my opinions down.
I believed my thoughts and ideas were wrong.
I put my own needs last to make everyone else happy.
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And I did that on repeat for decades with every person I encountered.
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I was a yes-(wo)man who’s intuition was screaming the truth inside, but I was too afraid to let it out.
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I was afraid of losing people around me if they knew who I really was or what I really thought.
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Instead, I completely lost myself.
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I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted.
I didn’t even know what I liked anymore.
I was counting on others to tell me what to do all the fucking time.
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When you lose a child, your life feels like it’s over.
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How could anyone expect you to move on? But people did. And they let me know just how much.
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And it burned like the fire of a thousand suns inside of me.
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How dare they?
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For the first time ever in 33 years, I let my feelings guide me, and I stuck to my guns.
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I said, fuck the world I’m going to be sad as long as I need to be sad.
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And I was.
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People were frustrated.
I know feelings were hurt.
But I didn’t care.
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Because for the first time ever I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought of me.
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I stopped paying attention to what society dictates is “cordial” and “expected” and I did what I needed to do for me.
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I had been waiting for permission from someone else to feel what I needed to feel.
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That someone else never came along, and I got tired of waiting.
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I finally gave permission to myself.
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That was almost 5 years ago.
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Miscarriage was awful and horrible, but it also changed my entire perspective on myself and how I treated me. I have to be grateful because it was a massive turning point in my life.
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I learned how to start being me again.
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Why should you care?
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The world will tell you to be / act / do a certain way about everything.
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If you listen, you WILL lose yourself.
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I was the poster child.
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I started my business of creating amazing brands and designs because I love helping people on my own terms with my own gifts.
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I have to create.
I have to make art.
It’s who I am and I denied her for too long.
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No one understood what I wanted when I began this journey. And I had to get to the place of not caring what they thought to move forward with my own dream. It often makes no sense to anyone but me.
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You owe yourself the same permission.
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Make it exactly the way you want it to be and to hell with everyone else. Be it a business model, a website design, or the way you fix your hair.
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It’s the big message I want all my clients to hear:
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—> There is no “brand formula” for standing out in the crowd. There is only you.
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And the more we get to know you and your essence and your being of who you are, the more your brand stands apart. Because it is you.
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You have to stop worrying what everyone else is doing online, what you think you’re *supposed* to do to look good, and instead, you have to embrace who you are inside in order to stand apart.
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It’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned (and still learning every day).
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I’d love to help you show the world who you really are.
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You deserve to be known in your industry as a leader, and the best (and easiest) way to do that is by simply being more of you.
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If that’s you, let’s chat.
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http://erinkmonaghan.com/about-me

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